Prayer Is All I Have Left

Merton's entry for October 30 is a discussion of finding a balance between the answers one finds in solitude and the answers that others may present.  The last line, "the problem is in learning to go for some time, perhaps for long periods, with no answer!" resonates deeply for me.  The recent losses of my mother and my uncle troubled me to the core, causing me to question everything in my life.  Shortly after my mother's death, it occurred to me that not only did I not have answers, I didn't even know what the questions were!  I sought counseling and advice from my closest friends and family, and even visited a therapist whom I had sought out after my father's death four years ago.  In my discussions with these close advisors, I was aware that I have become more and more reliant and confident in my own intuition of how to deal with life's troubles and successes.  Still, like Merton, I realize that to go it alone in spiritual matters is dangerous, and most likely a kind of false pride.  So, today I am trying to be conscious of direction that comes sometimes unsolicited to me, to remain awake in my sadness, to trust that the stream of life that carries us all along in its currents and eddies is fast and true.